This week has been a mixture of really lovely days spent enjoying this time before school starts and a serious period of adjustment for me. Coming back after a month away has been a lot tougher than I had imagined, a big change and a lot busier. Life can be hectic in general and this year I feel like I have been frazzled pretty much most of the time, like I am always worried I have missed something or I am constantly playing catch up and attempting to be organised whilst trying to grab and appreciate every moment. Even if I do take some time out to just be with the children or by myself I am always thinking that it is at the detriment of my growing to do list. It’s fair to say I haven’t quite mastered that balance just yet. Therefore as far as making time for things I actually want to do, well that has become a rare occurrence and I hate that just as much.
I must admit that before we went away I worried slightly about being by myself in the week, not being able to call up a friend and pop round or have a coffee if the children had cabin fever, were driving me crazy as they sometimes do or just because I enjoy friends company. Yet actually this time has taught me so much. Although of course there were certain people I really missed and Eva especially was ready to be with other children by the time we came back, I really loved it. I had time to stop, to think, to do yoga on the beach, to feed my photography passion ‘just because’ and to be creative.
With only each other for company we were able to just be. I was able to remember what made me happy. I got head space, thought a lot and was able to reflect about how I wanted life to look. In France I was a totally different person. I found my priorities, I was relaxed, I was happy and it truly helped me to believe in myself. I am forever wanting time to stand still so I can enjoy life and really immerse myself in the moments with my children as they grow up. To feel the joy in their joy and not feel like I missed it. That is ordinarily why I wanted to create this blog. To record our big adventures and the wonderful ordinary moments that happen every day and also change and disappear in the blink of an eye. But now it is so much more.
Starting this blog has made me realise that I can do something creative. Do something that I love. I care about it, I put my heart and soul into it and there is not a day has gone by in the last 9 months that I have not thought about blogging and given half the chance I would be working on it and writing much much more than I currently get around to. Not because I feel like I should but because I want to.
That urge and creative spark truly came back whilst we were away and I was so excited to finally get wifi again, to get out all of these ideas and write again. Yet as we have returned to our lives I haven’t found the time to write, haven’t picked my big camera up all week and for whatever reason I can’t even seem to find the words. No sooner had we returned back and the prospect of work and school came around that my head was suddenly too full to think never mind write. My head was full and my day was fuller.
But I desperately want to get back to it because I love blogging. I know lots of people don’t get it, there is definitely changes to be made on my own site and I am yet to really find a blogging tribe to immerse myself in socially and learn from, but this little place on the internet is for me and for once in my life I feel really proud – even though it makes me cringe to even write that down. I am not a confident person, I worry what people think far too much or if I will look back and hate what I looked like, what I said or I wrote. That is why it took me so long to start this blog and why I find it so hard to shout about it.
No I am not the biggest blogger, the best photographer, or writer, but this is us, our story. I may be small fry in comparison to most but I have learnt not to compare to anything but me. I am slowly learning, slowly growing and I think that will always be the case. Last week I shared a photo I took for the Me and Mine Project that I am thankful each month I started linking with. I have had some really lovely comments and interactions across my blog and social media. Again nothing compared to most but a lot for me. It is of course nice to be recognised but also I look at that photo and I love it, I can see the moment, and I achieved that. It is without a doubt the proudest I have felt for something I have worked at (that isn’t my children obviously!)
So what this somewhat rambling post comes down to is that I have made some big decisions of how I want to live and the direction in which to go. It is time for a change. Although I am good at my job, I just don’t love it. So today I handed my notice in at my Finance job. I decided to choose me. Not to waste two days a week and try to find snippets here and there to do the thing I love. But to use that time TO do the thing that I love. To blog.
I am sacrificing a lot, of course money and stability but I am going to give it a go. To follow my dreams and see where it takes me. It will be a challenge, I am nervous and apprehensive but most of all I am just really excited, to do something I adore, to improve, to learn and to know that I am lucky enough to do that, even if it is just for now.
Here’s to the future, whatever that might bring.
**Normal service of our stories of my little ladies, our lives and our ordinary adventures will resume shortly!
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