My eldest Little Lady E is a mummy’s girl. She always has been and whilst she loves her dad, she needs me. At 5 years old she will still stick to my side in almost all scenarios and even at home is more often than not found in the same room that I am. Usually with a part of her body touching mine or as near as damn it! So close in fact that sometimes I have to remind her to give me some space. Totally aware of this, she is very mature and also knows too well that I may have to rush off and save R from whatever mischief she has found upon. As even at just 11 months R is definitely showing signs she will be somewhat different to her big sister and can usually been seen running as far as she can get away with!! But given the choice E would be right there with me, wherever that may be.
When we sit down whether that is to read, play or just to sit and drink a cup of tea once in a while….there she is next to me, legs touching. On the occasions we watch television, a film or a documentary she is practically sitting on my lap. Whilst it can feel slightly suffocating; more often than not these days I catch myself looking down with tears in my eyes. All I can think is there will come a day that she won’t want to be in such close contact with me all the time. Where I will crave for her to sit with me, to feel her warm like hot water bottle body on my chest, the delicious smell of her hair in my face, the softness of her hands that stroke mine unconsciously, the feel of her breath and her chest rising and falling onto mine, or the fact that no matter how big she is she still fits. It might be different to the baby that fit inside of me for 9 months. The 6lb 10 little dot that fit in the crook of my arm. The baby that fit scrunched up on my chest during the long nights. Or the toddler that sat so perfectly on my hip. Yet she still fits, and it feels so right. So perfect. I will forever have a place for her right next to me.
The other day we sat and she held my hand, her hand fit perfectly into mine, so natural, so every day and not at all unusual. Yet it struck a cord with me and in that moment I never wanted to let go. In her life right now it’s just a gesture, it shows that she is safe and loved. She probably won’t recall or remember it as it has happened a hundred times before and hopefully a hundred times to come but I sat there tears escaping from my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. I always always wanted to remember that very moment. The time when she chooses hanging out with her friends over me is probably not that far away and so for now of course whilst I can, I am going to appreciate the closeness.
So a grainy IPhone picture later and it means more to me than E will ever know. Every time I look at it my heart aches and I am right back there in that moment. It may not mean alot to her but it means the world to me. My heart is in her hand.