Once a Mother Always a Mother

 

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Before I had children I thought parents had “time off”, that there were days or evenings when other people would look after their children and that they would feel like themselves again, like themselves somehow got lost along the way. Then I had a child, I became a mother and it isn’t the case at all, I changed forever the very moment this little person came into the world, I was now a mother and whether I had my children with me or or not, that never changes. I am still myself, just a different version of it. I will never ever be the same, I will never ever not be a mother. Not think about my children in everything I do. And for all the exhaustion, mummy guilt and worry that brings I would not change it for the world.

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Hyperemesis

Hyperemesis

Hyperemesis

Today is International Hyperemesis Awareness Day.

I am all too aware of that word. I have written about my hyperemesis story before and I thought that was all I had to say. All I could share. Yet I sit here tonight and I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want it to define me, to govern my every day and to be honest it has left things so raw I don’t think I could. Yet it has changed me immeasurably, changed my view on my family, my relationship with my first born child, her own outlook on pregnancy, the dynamics, my view of myself, pretty much every aspect of my life. We move on, and to the outsider who knows no different we are just like anyone else. I was a little bit sick in pregnancy but here I am the other side and that’s just a story now. But it never ever goes away, never leaves your mind and I still wouldn’t want any other women to have to go through it. I can’t forget it. If I forget it I am afraid that will mean I forget the life that never was, I can’t do that, I can’t fail them again.

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The Yellow Fields

Rapeseed Fields

Rapeseed Fields

We are lucky here in the fact that although we live on the outskirts of a town there is so much countryside all around and you only have to drive a few minutes before there are fields and trees adorning the landscape everywhere you look. There is something about the countryside, the open air and the view for miles that instill a sense of calm for me, a contentment that nothing else can match. I always feel like I could easily just plant myself in the middle of it on a picnic blanket with a book and have the children running around me in their own little world of adventure.

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