I’ll start off by saying I’ve been a bit lost with my blog lately. Don’t get me wrong I still love it and I love so many different parts but the writing isn’t coming easy right now. I feel like I sit here and nothing that I write is quite good enough, that nothing is worthy, or means anything and as a consequence the posts that I do write are late and I am so consumed with all of this that it makes being creative so difficult and my usual thinking is, well just a little bit clouded by it all. I don’t know any other bloggers I can call on for a coffee and chat about it and I know that it is a really hard thing to ‘get’ if you don’t blog yourself and the temptation to give it all up is currently very high.
I am not in the least bit blaming anyone, I have fallen a little bit out of love with social media right now as so many others around me seem to as well and I think for me it really stems from life aswell. It isn’t easy right now, not compared to a lot of people of course and there are lots of good days and little joys to concentrate on but we are also just so so overwhelmed. If you’ve read this blog before you probably know that Roma doesn’t sleep well, she can, she just doesn’t always and we are therefore absolutely exhausted all of the time. Getting up so many times in the night and never knowing if a full nights sleep is on the cards is really really draining and makes the posts that I write of an evening (because she doesn’t nap either) hard work or to be honest I just want to collapse on the sofa and have a cry rather than write because no one wants to read every week about what is in my emotional sleep deprived brain.
I feel especially like this with my ordinary moments posts which ironically used to be the ones I loved the most to write and to think about but I feel myself sitting of an evening drained and exhausted not knowing what kind of night is ahead and that is all I can think to write, how hard it feels. Consequently my last few posts have been late which I give myself a hard time about too and then the cycle continues, it will probably be a miracle if this one makes it out in time too.
It’s 7.30pm, the witching hour has passed but the night has just begun and how do you instantly free your mind of the dread and take it back to the joy of the ordinary day? I desperately want to because as much as it is hard at times, and it is right now, I want to make sure I sit and write these lovely ordinary moments and not have to think about it too much at all, for it to flow nicely out of me and remind me when I read it back that it wasn’t all bad, after all is that not the whole point of writing these in the first place? They have always helped me focus my mind on the positive ordinary yet at the moment they seem the opposite.
Anyway I seem to have gone off on a tangent there but I felt like I kind of needed to explain what is going on in my head at the moment and why actually it is probably at these times more than ever that I can concentrate on the beautiful ordinary. Whilst feeling like this the only thing that helps is to stop everything and just be, to soak these every day moments and live right here in the now, although of course as a blogger, or just as me it is easier said than done.
Alas we have had snippets of spring here and there lately and as soon as the sun shines the first thing the girls do is to open the playroom doors with enthusiasm and explore the garden. It isn’t a big garden but perfect for two little adventurers and they absolutely adore it. On this particular ordinary day at home they both wanted to help water the plants which they do with a little spray bottle, you know to avoid them flooding the plants with a whole bucket of water in a 1 inch spot!! It was quite warm and so it very quickly turned into spraying themselves and not the plants and from Eva was greeted with so much laughter.
Roma surprises us every day and she was actually the one that didn’t like the water spray being directed at her, which in itself was a surprise as I was pretty confident in days gone by that she would be the one running in the house covered in water and mud in years to come! Yet it was my shy and reserved Eva Dee who absolutely loved it. She has grown up a lot lately and is much more confident with what she wants to do and was so happy to play with Roma who sprayed her all over and she was absolutely drenched by the end of it. The laughter and shrieks of joy when the water trickled down her back and permeated her white jeans was the epitome of childhood, they even sloped off to hatch a plan to fill bowls of water purely for throwing over her hair and I find myself looking at them, hearing their laughter and seeing their beaming smiles and relaxing, settling into these moments and feeling the joy right with them.
As much as life is overwhelming at the moment because of these two, life is also so much more fulfilling with them in it and in each and every day there are moments however fleeting of overwhelming love for the fact that I get to be their Mummy and I can only hope they feel half as much joy from me as I do from them.