The hum drum of the engine, the squeak of the brakes, the sound of the bins being wheeled across the pavement. And then a sudden shriek followed by thundering footsteps running up to the window. “Bin men coming. YAY. Bin men Mummy bin men”. Roma clambers up onto the ottoman that stands in front of the window and looks out with wonder as they pull up right outside the house.
It has been 5 years and 9 months since I called myself Mama. In that moment my life, myself, changed forever in the most wonderful way I could ever have imagined. I thought that was the pinnacle. BUT. It has been 20 months since I became a mother of two. Since I could actually use the words I had been dreaming of for so long. My children. My Little Ladies. My Girls. My Two.
Grief is a funny old thing. It can hit you when you least expect it, for little to no reason at all or the slightest memory reminds you of the hurt that is hiding away just below the surface. Today as I went about my normal day it hit me. Consumed me. All I could feel was grief, guilt, anger, sadness and disappointment. As I went about my day my only thought was trying to stop the tears from flowing.